Thursday, April 14, 2005

i felt so estranged... my worst fears were realised, being snubbed by her and now, we even had to keep a distance from each other... this is definitely being cruel to me.. far worse than treaty of varsailles yesterdae was 1 of my worst day ever, i 've been slapped by a cruel reality... during maths, i watched helplessly as they revealed who i like... she didnt even seem to bother too much.. nobody cared about my feelings- i didnt even say a word in retaliation... my mood turned sour... i didnt even reveal anything abt my crush... it seems tat, my actions betrayed me ultimately.... i guessed she knew it too... but never did i had a chance to tell her how i felt towards her.... after sch, the news even spread to 4e6... i heard tat she "would not accept" anyone.... my world came crashing down... it was so much for me to handle in matter of a schoolday... i cant accept this harsh reality... i just spoke to her tat morning, stayed with her in sch till 7pm the day before... how did things turned out to be like this!?!? i couldn't accept all these things... it was a total nightmare for me... it all happened before the maths test... as i was in itr room.... i just break down and cried... it was the first time eric sor see me cry.... as i was solving maths problems in a freezing air-con room... i suffered several emotional lapses...i was living through hell, she was within 2 metres of me... as i glanced at her back, my heart breaks even more... as i went home, i felt so heartbroken.... at so many times, i would walked with her down the stretch of road and then to the busstop.... on monday evening, i even sat with her at the busstop, just now, when i saw the bench, it brought back fresh memories... tat evening, i walked alone, down the boulevard of broken dreams i would say.... she was with her friends.. i could only avoid her and stayed at the other side of the busstop... i guess u wunt want to see a boy break down completely... i cried so hard my eyes turned swollen tat night... she smsed me to explain her decision... when i pleaded with her whether we can be friends again, she said no... this was the final blow to me.... my heart couldn't be shattered... i realised all was lost in a matter of a day... i cant tease her anymore, she wunt ask me wther i wan to refill my bottle, i cant sit beside her and talk to her, we cant walk to the busstop anymore.. all these memories pierced through my heart like a javalin.... maybe i had only myself to blame for liking her, but how could i held it all back!! why is everything so unfair to me?! couldn't heaven be less cruel towards me? i couldn't bring myself to blame her at all.... the greatest virtue is to let the person u loved go.... it sounds so true but, yet so hard to do.... i pondered about it all night... i wondered did she like me at all? was she sad about making this decision at all? or maybe she dun even like me at all??? the issue of her liking me or not was running wild in mind all these days.... but now, i dont haf to think about it.... today has been very bad for me... i was feeling very down... simply not being my usual self... i had to avoid a girl who is just sitting a seat away of me.... i felt so enstangled... this is so cruel for him... moreover, she is in the same history class as me... i cant imagine how am i going to survive in the months to come... at times, i felt so helpless when she seems so normal, and talking to other guys.... i dunno why i haf to suffer this fate... i even held myself back from talking to her.... next time when u see me... i will still be the same outside.. however deep inside, theres a heart with many wounds, wounds may take a long time to heal and scars will remain forever.... how i wish i could reverse time... i've lost her so quickly... guys are always on the losing end... if one day she would change her mind, den only the scars would disappear... meanwhile, let me be my ownself, let me deteriorate...

Andy Chong blogged @ 8:29 pm